Wedding season is here. Which means that while brides and grooms worry about whether the other will show up, men everywhere are breaking out in cold sweats at the thought of giving their best man speech. No, it’s not just you—every best man gets nervous before his speech.
The question is: What makes a best man speech great?
Should the story be funny or sad? Should it be about the groom alone, or will it upset the bride? How long should the story be? How many shots of tequila are safe to drink before a wedding? What story won’t give your old great aunt a heart attack?
To get some proper advice (and we mean advice from professionals who know what they’re talking about – not advice from the lads’ WhatsApp groups), we turned to Kye Harman of online resource Simply The Best Man for help.
“Be timely and genuine in your speeches,” Kay said. “Mix in jokes and good-natured comments, but most importantly be funny. Everyone wants you to relax during your wedding, which tends to be long, and they’re on your side and want you to do well, so relax and enjoy it.”
If you’re still panicking, here’s a more detailed guide to giving a great (and easy) best man speech.
Keep it short and sweet
It’s no secret that weddings can be a daunting slog for the average non-immediate family member – standing outside the church for half an hour, the priest babbling for an hour, the father of the bride boring everyone to death, and then there’s the hustle and bustle before you can enjoy the free drinks, food and disco at the end.
There’s no need to drag it out any longer. In fact, the best man’s speech is your chance to liven up the atmosphere.
“A good speech should last about seven minutes,” Kay says. “That’s enough time to give the groom the comedy he deserves, throw a few punches, say a few heartfelt words, and tell an embarrassing story about his tattoos without making it boring. This is just a speech, not a stand-up comedy routine. To get the timing right, practice your speech out loud and leave pauses for laughs and standing ovations.”
Know Your Lines
Of course, practice is key. Because let’s face it, knowing what to say in your best man speech, or how long to say it, is scary enough, but the thought of forgetting what you’re supposed to say, freezing up while everyone points and laughs at you, or fainting in the middle of your speech from sheer nervousness is the real nightmare.
Celebrity speeches come effortlessly, so learn the material, practice it over and over, and when you think you’ve got it, repeat it again. “Practice, practice, practice,” Kay says. “The more you practice your speech out loud, the more familiar you’ll become with it and the more comfortable you’ll feel. You can also read it to others to get feedback.”
“Print or write your speech on small cards rather than A4 sheets – it’s easier to hold in your hands, doesn’t shake around too much, and it’s easier to remember each small card than holding the speech. Never underestimate breathing – yes, you’ve been doing it for years and rarely forget, but controlling your breathing reduces the adrenaline that causes tension.”
Perform duties and keep it (mostly) clean
But we’re jumping the gun. First, you need to know exactly what to include in your speech – what you should talk about, what etiquette to include, and what types of jokes are acceptable. Don’t forget that as best man, you have official duties beyond organizing the bachelor party.
“As best man, it’s your job to respond to the couple’s thank yous or gifts on behalf of the best man and maid of honor,” Kay says. “At the end of your speech, you should read messages/emails from people who were unable to be there on the day – check with the groom.
“Most importantly, don’t f**king swear! What the groom and his mates find funny won’t go down so well with a different age group with kids, so keep it clean.” Swearing, strip club memoirs and Amsterdam adventures are a no-no.
Do not drink too much
This may seem like basic common sense, but when you’re nervous, it’s easy to guzzle alcohol. Before you know it, you’re drunk, losing control (not a good thing), and talking nonsense. The most you can have is a pint of beer, or a free glass of champagne (it’s free, after all), but that’s your lot.
“Alcohol can actually dry out your mouth, so stick to water while you’re speaking,” Kay says. “While a couple of scotches might make you feel calm, they can actually make you feel a little overconfident. Save the drinking for after your speech, when you’ll really deserve it.”
Has a killer opening line
No pressure, but you’ll need something funny to start your show – to let your guests know you’ve got the charisma and humour to keep their attention. We asked three comedians at the Edinburgh Festival to come up with some opening lines that’ll blow their minds (not literally).
Ben Pope
“I was best man. At weddings. But just in general.”
“A good marriage is like an 80-year-old tennis match: endless love.”
Robin Klevan
“I love weddings, you spend years planning the day and throw thousands of pounds at getting your friends drunk.”
“Love is rare and special unless you [the groom] In this case, it’s something you give away in the toilet after having half a glass of shandy and a packet of crisps.”
Joey Page
“[The groom] He said I did a great job as best man and that I should definitely be best man at his next wedding.”
Stand-up comedian Chris Washington also offers some general tips. “Always start by complimenting the bride and getting the away fans to root for you (but don’t go too far and make it look like you want her to marry you). Don’t go overboard at first. Don’t tell the ‘you had to go’ story, because you probably had to go. And finally, a PowerPoint presentation with bachelorette party photos is never a good idea, no matter how good you think the idea is.”
Complete the form
It’s fun at first, but nothing beats a thrilling, grand finale. “The best way to end a speech is to ask everyone to join me in raising a toast to the bride and groom. [bride’s name and groom’s name]…be brief, appropriate, and let everyone know that you are done speaking.”
By then, you can safely forget about being nervous because you know that being a better… sorry, best man is not an incredible job.
Let Others Do the Hard Work for You
Finally, if you’re having trouble with your speech, there’s no shame in asking for help. This doesn’t mean having someone else write your speech for you, forcing your teacher in your class to do your homework for you, but rather taking advantage of one of the many stress-relief resources available online.
For example, Simply The Best Man has a speech-building tool that helps you construct a speech from customizable paragraphs and more than 4,000 jokes (which Kye calls “wedding grenades to throw at the groom”) written by comedy professionals.
“Make sure you keep the groom laughing and giving him a great send-off,” Kay says. “Remember — you won’t have a better chance to make his closest friends and family laugh. That’s what he wants.”
Ben Pope performs Baby Sasquatch, Robin Clyfan performs The Sea Is Big Enough To Take It, Joey Page performs Perhaps Under Stars That Would Stretch Forever and Chris Washington performs You Beauty! at the Edinburgh Festival in August 2018.
